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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27716438">a knife at your back (a kiss to your throat)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas'>fiveyaaas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>But it’s more just a short character study, Drabble, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pseudo-Incest, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, this fic absolutely just happened bc i liked the title idea LMAO</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:01:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,588</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27716438</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She sleeps so peacefully in his arms, and it sometimes vexes him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>77</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>a knife at your back (a kiss to your throat)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>She sleeps so peacefully in his arms, and it sometimes vexes him. Even though he wouldn’t hurt her, he wonders how it’s so easy for her to sleep in a killer’s arms. It feels like all he tells her of his life as an assassin only makes her trust him more. When she nestles against his neck and closes her eyes, he almost wants to chide her. How strange it was that he even wanted to warn her at all, but he supposes he’s always been different to her. If he were a little less selfish, he would tell her to find somebody else, live a life without him. When their hands clasp, there’s blood on his own that keeps them from ever truly connecting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the very least, it feels that way, but she has the blood of the world on her own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He simply cannot believe it sometimes- that his Vanya would be a world destroyer. It didn’t change how he felt at all, but he knows that it is the source of the guilty way she looks at him when she thinks he’s not paying attention. Five would rather she’d have killed the entire world than spend her life wishing she could end her own, but, when he felt her guilt, he always wordlessly held his palm out, running his thumb over the jutting out veins against her hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five knew that he would never hurt her, but he also knew </span>
  <em>
    <span>what</span>
  </em>
  <span> he was capable of in his darkest moments. Sure, he would never do that to </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but he had done it to </span>
  <em>
    <span>somebody. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>There isn’t a support group for somebody like him. No therapists would possibly understand unless he went to one of the ones they keep at the Commission. When he wakes up in the night vomiting, trying to be as quiet as he could so his wife doesn't hear him, he sometimes considers it. She can’t be his therapist, and he’d never expect her to be. If she asked him to go to one, though, he would. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for her, even the seemingly most abhorrent of activities. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she bares her throat to him, exposing herself in a way that he could kill her so easily, he kisses her pulse, tastes the saltiness of her skin, and takes in the euphoria of her being so alive beneath him. She’ll moan, and he’ll feel the urge to tell her not to trust him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But then she’ll say something, confess her secrets to him like they were still children in a cult leader’s home, sitting on her too small bed with springs that poked against his back when he lay against it. And when she does, he’ll know that he’s never going to stop being that person for her. That no matter how many things were taken from him, she wouldn’t be one of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he’ll whisper in her ear that he’s glad she trusts him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then he’ll press his mouth to hers, knowing she’ll be too afraid to say any more, and swallow her moans instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is one such time when she admits to him that she sometimes feels guilty, having fallen in love with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five doesn’t know how to react, pulling away from her shakily, asking if he’d done something wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you know that the first time I told a therapist about you, she said that I only cared about you because you were the only thing that I could cling to in a dysfunctional home?” Her voice sounds so small when she looks at the mattress. “Obviously, she didn’t say it to my face, but I heard her say it to another therapist in her office-“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With your powers,” he fills in for her, sitting against the mattress and feeling like he may pass out. In this timeline, they have never been siblings in any regard. There had been no way of knowing if they ever had been, considering Reginald hadn’t acquired them legally. He imagines it makes sense that she would still mention this to a therapist. “It bothers you, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It bothers me,” she confirms. “But not out of what she thinks. It’s what </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>think.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could you clarify?” He’s already trying to visualize a life without her, but it seems impossible. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel guilty that I </span>
  <em>
    <span>like</span>
  </em>
  <span> it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His brows knit together in confusion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I enjoy that I could find something good in something awful. That may sound bad, but I </span>
  <em>
    <span>like</span>
  </em>
  <span> that there was one thing from that time that didn’t bring me pain.” She twists her wedding ring absentmindedly. “Yes, I know that some people don’t understand it, and I don’t think I’d ever try to explain it to them. They don’t know what family means to us. There is no way for them to conceptualize what we’re saying when we call one another siblings.” Vanya glances up at him, almost defiant, “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>like </span>
  </em>
  <span>when you call me sister right after you call me your wife. You are my family because I </span>
  <em>
    <span>chose </span>
  </em>
  <span>you to be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five doesn’t know what to say. He is silent long enough that she speaks again, “I feel guilty because… I know that you could have been with somebody else. There are times when I think you stay with me out of obligation, like you have to because you’re my brother.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not why I’m with you, Vanya,” he murmurs. “I can assure you I’ve never wanted </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> with Allison.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We wouldn’t have even known each other if Reginald hadn’t made us members of the academy,” Vanya says softly, tucking her legs to her chest and wrapping her arms securely around her knees. “So, how do you know if you ever would have chosen me willingly?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We wouldn’t have known each other because of geography, Vanya, if that’s what you’re saying. But that’s a hypothetical scenario. Does it really matter to you? That we may have never met?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It bothers me that I think that therapist might have been right. Except she got the person wrong. You only wanted me because I was something to cling to in the chaos.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, that’s bullshit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She raises her brows confusedly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With my powers, I could have successfully run away </span>
  <em>
    <span>much </span>
  </em>
  <span>sooner, you know. There were many times I considered running away sooner. When I was ten, I even packed a bag once. Do you know why I stayed?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knows; it’s why she doesn’t respond. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He says it anyways, “You were the only reason I </span>
  <em>
    <span>stayed </span>
  </em>
  <span>in that place. I didn’t have to live in that place at all, and, yeah, I left. I regret that decision everyday, but I </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>leave. The only reason I </span>
  <em>
    <span>clung </span>
  </em>
  <span>to you was because you were mine and and I was yours, and I recognized it even then.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her chin is resting on her knees, and he hesitantly reaches for her, hovering his hand just above her skin, letting her have ample opportunity to say no. “You are my sister, yes,” Five murmurs, pulling her closer to him. “Even if that word means something different to us,” he adds as he spreads her knees, hands resting on her hip bones. “But I have chosen you, Vanya, in every sense of the word.” She gasps a little as she is placed on his lap, mouth opening up just a little. “And Reginald had </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing </span>
  </em>
  <span>to do with that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she presses her forehead to his neck now, he cannot even think about reproaching her. He was her protector; he’d never hurt her. “You don’t have to </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever </span>
  </em>
  <span>feel guilty for feeling that way about me, Vanya.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you ever feel guilty for it, though?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought of all the times he’d felt horror at the thought of her being with a killer, something no brother should ever want for their sister. “I’ve felt guilty knowing that you could do </span>
  <em>
    <span>better </span>
  </em>
  <span>than me, sure.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because you’re my brother?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I’m a killer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Five shifts uncomfortably, not sure how to respond. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She responds for him. “You would never hurt me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You say that so confidently,” he quips, wishing he didn’t feel so exposed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re my brother, you wouldn’t hurt me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, it was fucked up. It was </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span> the way he got off on hearing her say it. Even if they weren’t really siblings at all, this was a serious discussion. He shouldn’t be thinking of </span>
  <em>
    <span>that.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She clearly is though, considering the way her hips nudge forward as she feels him react to what he says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her lips press to his cheek, grinding her hips against his own. “Would you hurt me, big brother?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Five groans, shaking his head. Vanya’s mouth opens, sucking a possessive mark against his jaw. Softly, he mutters, “I would never hurt my little sister.” The whine that the words coax from her throat make his grip on her tighten. He lays back, looking up at her, at the way her hair spills over her small breasts. When he cups her ass, pushing her down against his erection, she closes her eyes in pleasure. He wants to see her react though, wants to see her widened eyes and dilated pupils. “Look at me, Vanya.” Her eyes stay closed until he adds, “Look at your big brother.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She gasps, and he pulls her down, wanting to kiss her. Their lips are just millimeters apart when she asks, “You love me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, sweetheart, I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she kisses him, he finds peace too.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! 💕</p></blockquote></div></div>
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